I know you want to stop yelling.
I know you feel guilty.
I know you don’t want this to be your parenting legacy.
Everywhere you look there are groups, websites, blog posts telling you that you should stop yelling. That you can stop.
Except you’ve tried everything.
And. You. Still. Yell.
Maybe it’s a once-and-done yell.
Maybe it’s a scream-your-head-off yell.
Maybe it’s a teary cry-filled yell.
But it’s a yell, nonetheless.
And all the groups in the world giving you distraction techniques aren’t going to help the problem.
Because the problem isn’t the yelling.
The yelling is only a symptom of much deeper issues at play.
Here are 5 reasons you still yell at your kids:
You’re exhausted
Lack of sleep or lack of good sleep is nearly always the reason we are feeling run down. But, it’s not the only reason. Perhaps we’re in caring burnout. Perhaps we’re doing too much. Perhaps we’re busy trying to be the perfect mom. All of these things can lead to exhaustion. And exhaustion means less patience.
You’re overextended
Multi-tasking always sounds great to brag about but really it’s the burned dinner of motherhood. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Doing even just two things at once causes our brain to go into an overload making calm, rational decisions challenging. Or even impossible. Ever been making dinner and helping a child when another melts down?
You’re flying solo
Thousands of us are solo-parenting all week long with partners who work out of town or out of state. Thousands more are single parents with no one to be their backup. And many of us aren’t living the life of the TV show “Parenthood” where a fabulous group of family members is just a phone call away for a relief. Flying solo as a parent may be the biggest culprit of yelling of all time.
You’re feeling powerless
Sometimes, no matter what you’ve tried, something just doesn’t work with your child. He doesn’t respond to reward charts, positive-behavior plans or time-ins, let alone time-outs. You tried all of those calming techniques. You tried walking away. You tried distractions. You tried mantras. And yet … still clueless. This is when yelling is perhaps necessary but who in their right mind will ever allow you to admit that? (except around here, of course!)
You’re confused
Society gives us so many mixed messages such as don’t let your kids control you … and on the other hand, give the kids freedom to express themselves. Bossy behavior is a good thing? It’s leadership qualities, right? Except when it’s harming and hurting another child in the home. You want to honor their growth and personalities. You don’t want to raise undeserving brats. And so after mixed messaging fail after fail, you yell.
And so you’re left with a ton of guilt, very little answers and a lot of frustration.
But once you understand the reasons why you are yelling it does get easier to find the right path to yell less.
You know already that the right solutions for others might not work for you. You are different. Your family is different. Your kids are different. Your lifestyle and support system is different.
You need authentic solutions that you stop putting a bandaid on the yelling and start rebuilding your inner mama self — one based on abundance and confidence rather than fear and mixed messages.
Discuss: What do you think is the underlying reason for your yelling? do you want to yell less?
Yes! I yell more than I care to admit. And then the guilt, oh the guilt. … especially when my almost 4year old, precious daughter yells, yes yells, back at me, “mommy don’t yell at me!”
I will admit that I am over tired, over extended and have an almost 4 year old precious daughter that sometimes, just. Won’t. Listen.
However, I do yell less than I did 2 years ago, when I realized it wasn’t helping. However, I do have my moments, once a week or so, usually on the drive to school, when the little one is being extra crazy and the big one is thowing extra attitude, and I’ve slept terrible and of course HAVE to be to work early and of course nothing went the way it was supposed to. On these mornings I have a tendency to lose control and yell. It usually didn’t help, both the girls get quiet and one usually cries. Then I cry. But things only get better when I apologize for my behavior and the yelling, and then we are able to speak nicely to each other.
I guess it models how to own your mistakes and that mommy and daddy aren’t perfect.
At the very least, the lessons are helping them to learn new ways to communicate.
I hear you!!! I can so relate to this article and your post!
Tired and overextended (and stressed). I’ve quit my stupidly stressful job, but I’ve got over 3 months notice to serve still and I’m often working until 10 or 11pm after a full day in the office and then putting the kids to bed. Plus there are times when neither of my boys (age 2 and 4) will do as they’re asked (this usually involves getting up/dressed/getting out of the house or getting ready for bed) – sometimes after asking 6 or 7 times and they’re totally ignoring me I don’t know how else to get their attention! But shouting doesn’t usually work either. At bedtime last night after yelling for him to “Come here and put your nappy on!” (after asking several times and then telling nicely) my 2 year old responded “don’t s’out mummy!” (In the cutest voice with a disapproving frown). He’s right. But the frustration is maddening sometimes.
Completely relate to this. Its a combination of these things for me. The more I yell the more guilty I feel and the worse my little one behaves and it becomes a vicious cycle. I am trying to be calmer, and not over extend myself too much so that i can just stop what im doing and take some time out to think about how im going to handle the situation rather than automatically yelling. Its not easy though, pleased I’m not the only one
Yes, it is a vicious cycle but you can break it. Keep at it.
I so needed this today. Thank you!
You are welcome!
This is truly inspired! I love your insight. I love the succinct way you presented this sensitive issue; without judgement, without guilt. I’m definitely on the confused spectrum. I recently read in an anger management “if spanking worked then you would only need to do it once”. (I don’t advocate spanking, but I also don’t judge others if they feel that is best for their family.) That statement seems so absurd. If any punishment/reward/peaceful conversation worked with kids, then we’d only need to do it once??? And then our kids would be perfect? Um…no. It is all so confusing.
Why do I yell? Because I have PTSD and no insurance to treat it. Because I have insomnia and get five to six hours of sleep a night. Because I am parenting four children 7 years and under alone. Because two of my children have PTSD too and PTSD in children presents it self in so many overwhelming and difficult to handle ways. Because the father of my children who I married in the church and thought I would be with forever turned out to be what our society considers a monster. Because instead of being here he is now serving 25-40 years in prison. Because everyone in my life seems to know exactly what I should do. Because there is no child support, no partner to help me, talk to, support me, or give me a break. Because my work cut my hours down to 20 so I wouldn’t qualify for benefits like the health insurance I need. Because I live in a neighborhood where gunshots are common and the man across the street is a drug dealer who has been stabbed on three different occasions. Because I am overwhelmed, exhausted, scared, suffering with emotional pain and grief, and I am alone. It’s not their fault. They are beautiful, perfect gifts from God. It’s my fault. Every night I tell my self “I will sleep and tomorrow will be better”, but the better tomorrow never comes.
You need to go easy on yourself and commit to making the long-term changes you need. No fault. No blame. Just do the work. OK?
I mean very good to all statements
Big love to you mama… I felt your response in my chest as though the air was being sucked out of me… I am wondering if there are small places where you could feel you have power within the seemingly powerless situation? My heart swells for you and your children and how hard you are working… Reach out for support, find a way to take care of you, and never, ever believe that you need to be perfect – improvement is always the goal. I hear so much love for your littles in your post, remember to love yourself as well <3
Casey
Bless your hearts. I understand.
Thank you for this post and I’m a big follower of The Orange Rhino too. I’ve been working on yelling less. I find it doesn’t help and leaves everyone involved feeling worse and the GUILT is just too much! I’ve grown tired of crying in bed at night feeling horrible for the way I acted or that I yelled or that I lost patience over something small or that I just wasn’t kind in a moment of frustration.
After some soul searching (and starting a journal to document the changes I want to make) I discovered that my big trigger is trying to do too much at once. If I slow down and provide a cushion for the unexpected, I find I manage whatever the situation is much better. If I am juggling too many things, or just-have-to-get-this-one-more-thing-done…my reaction isn’t what I’d like it to be.
Oh mama … you need the abundant mamas to give you a big hug.
I’m trying not to yell at my babyboy (1,5) but sometimes I don’t know how to stop him doing dangerous things such putting smth to the socket (I have plugs, but yet) or climbing somewhere. It seems to be effective, but I can see that he is frightened by my unexpected yelling
Try not yelling but going to him … or a big UH-OH.
O MY GOODNESS, this was nice to read. YES I yell, NO I don’t want to yell. It just seems to happen. It BREAKS MY HEART when my 4 year old starts crying back at me, “you hurt my feelings”. Parenting is HARD, harder than I ever thought it would be. My oldest is “strong willed” as I and many others have labeled her. I remember reading a blog about NOT yelling when she was younger and I thought, sometimes I YELL to get her attention, if I didn’t yell, she wouldn’t STOP….running away, dumping out the ______, about to touch the hot oven. I told my self and still to there is a PLACE AND TIME FOR YELLING. unfortunately for me most the time I’m not in THAT place and time and I still do yell. It’s something I’m working on. I was raised in a yelling house, I was the youngest so to be herd I had to be loud, it’s better now that I don’t live around my family. Currently I’d like to blame my yelling at my 1 & 4 yr. olds on my pregnancy hormones….I know I’m awful. I do know it’s not the way to accomplish getting my kids to pay attention or getting my point across. I think I yell for ALL the reasons you listed. I’m a stay at home Mom and my Hubby works 2 jobs so I can stay at home. There are many days when I begin to wonder if my kids would be better off in Day Care. But then I’d miss the snuggles, and kisses and I love you’s, the laughter, ALL the FIRSTS and I remind my self they are right where they need to be. And I’m keeping them alive and I’m doing a good job. 🙂 it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you for writing this post.
The sacrifice is worth it in the long wrong … so long as you can feel peaceful while staying home. Keep at it, Mama!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. I definitely yell too much. It is especially heartbreaking in the eyes of my most sensitive son, who interprets even a loud explanation as yelling and is so hurt by it. I need to make sleep a bigger priority. My husband travels a lot for work, and just knowing I am alone with 3 can escalate a situation into yelling. Sometimes I even yell at my poor sensitive son because I am so frustrated that his feelings get hurt so easily. I am sure that makes him just feel steller about it all. One day at a time…right?
Oh, yes. One day at a time. For sure!
Amen
I feel like every post I’ve read your speaking to me! It’s so refreshing to know I am not alone in my feelings.
Yelling is my biggest most guilty struggle. I yell more than I’d like to admit, at the drop of a hat.
And it’s so true, this is not the parenting legacy I want to leave and it is certainly not what I want my daughters inner voices to be. Yet I still do it…… I had to stop and really think why after reading this. And I think biggest is exhaustion, just completely exhausted, mind and body. With a 8 month old who has never slept more than 2 hours at a time and a VERY spirited 4 year old. I am a SAHM while hubby works all different hours. I often feel like a single parent, and slightly jealous that even tho my husband is off at work he’s still getting a “break” from it all.
I am talking right to you, Eryne! 🙂 The very spirited kids are always my favorite mamas to work with … we need it most! 🙂
As a mom of 3 young girls, ages 4, 3, and 1, I find myself yelling much more than I’d like. I think my contributing factors are pretty much all of the above. My husband works all day every weekday (and some weekends) and doesn’t get home until dinner time. I’m with the children all day. My family and friends live hours away. We have money problems and can’t afford a sitter or nanny even if I worked more than part-time as I do now. I do feel powerless in my own life. I can’t do what I want, when I want or many times not even at all. And a night never goes by that I’m not woken up from sleep at least a couple of times by my children.
Still, I am trying, though I feel my lapses are long & it takes me a while to find the resolve to stop yelling again. I’d like to find better ways to deal with situations without yelling. I find that setting timers & being firm with the rules both help to keep everyone on the same page.
Your efforts will work. Keep at it! It’s the internal work you need to focus on.
Ur righton!
The latter not the former…
You know, something that was in Dr. Laura Markham’s book “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting” that really stuck with me is if you do all of the things – self-care and working toward not yelling and then you still find yourself unable to control the anger – then GET HELP. It’s really so true. Therapy is really an investment in your family, working with a therapist on better self-awareness and the real root of my anger has made a tremendous difference. I’m far from perfect, but I’m improving and in large part that is due to the work I’ve done with my therapist. Hopefully by me going now, my kids won’t have to go as adults. I’d encourage anyone who continues to struggle with yelling to seek help. There is no shame in it.
Thanks for writing and posting this. I feel that guilt, am working on this and I feel I am doing better. But my 4 year old yells (mainly to my 2 and 5 yr old) and I don’t know how to get her to stop. Deep down she is the sweetest of my my 3 children, but when she gets angry, I see myself and it upsets me so much. I want to help her learn to control herself, but I don’t know how. Any resources you can recommend?
Hugs to all the moms who have posted in the comments.
We work on a lot of the issues you are facing with your Hot Tempered little one in my coaching circle. There is no easy answers but I agree that it is a huge trigger. I would start by just trying to understand and empathize with her. Check out the book Explosive Child, too. It is a good starting place as well.
I, too, have PTSD, as someone mentioned above, I’ve been to therapy while in my 20s, but I think it can only do so much. I did learn that is what I have. Interesting enough, it’s due to my growing-up environment. And my father’s is most likely from his growing-up environment. I have come so far, thanks to God, but I have so far to go. My children are young: 4, 3, and 17 months. My 3yo son has SPD with a language disorder. He says words, but he has so far to go and I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for help. That’s stressful enough. I feel very pressured with three little ones and their demands. There’s still that thought of where I need to do things perfect and I’m doing it all wrong, and I’m a horrible person for doing it wrong, and I still think there is a subconscious fear of the repercussions, which consists of a horrible verbal lashing. So much anger.
And we all know of the society’s expectations of you. Because anything you do is wrong.
This post is timely due to the fact that these past two weeks I’ve been a frustrated, worn out mommy. I’ve yelled way too much and have apologized way too much. I am trying to break the cycle. I want it to stop here. I don’t want my kids to grow up, carrying on the family tradition. I’m overwhelmed with it all. I live in Canada, when I’m from the US. No family around. I’ve lived here for 8 years and have not been able to break into the heavily unwelcoming-unless-you’re-one-of-us community; I have no friends. All I have is my husband. Thinking of the strong women who went out and settled these lands, doing it all, honestly gives me strength.
I know there is hope. There’s always hope. I have that. But when do forgiving children start growing angry themselves, building up bitterness? I only want to extend them the grace they extend me.
Oh, mama … I wish we could sit down for some tea and chat and tell you my own stories of these lonely days of motherhood. I hope you will stick around this community. You belong here. xx
Yes Ur righton!
Hey, don’t hate on “Parenthood”! There’s plenty of dysfunction and yelling to go around on the show :D! Love the post though, so true.
i LOVE Parenthood! And since I wrote this post there has been a whole lot more dysfunction! 🙂
I ask my self why is it that after yelling, other than the guilt sensation, I also feel how truly I love my children?
I yell when I’m overstressed, when I have too much work (that I can’t hand over to any colleague) and sometime I say very bad things to my kids like : I’m tired to do everything for you, I’m tired of fighting to have you dressed, to took off your clothes, to make you eat, to make you stop eating shit, to wash you, and your peed/pooed tons of clothes, and your dishes, and the carpet where you regularly spill your food and beverages. I say to them: I wish you could just say “yes” to everything I ask without contradicting and disobeying and leaving me with tons of toys to clean up, I wish you could go to the toilet BEFORE peeing in your clothes. Sometime I also say to them that my life is a hell. Then the guilt sensation. Then the feeling that I love them and no matter how calmer and exciting my life was before them, now they are with me and I love them more than everyone else or everything else. Why do I always have this inner struggle? By the way I joined the AMP for a course a couple of years ago and it was huge! I got so many good results, but sometime I feel I have still a long way to go…
You should join the Peace Circle to keep going with those AMP practices! Love all this reflection here. Thank you for sharing your heart.