Two weeks ago, I found myself in a place of fury.
My daughter was in a phase of meanness.
Mean doesn’t work for me.
Mistakes, yes, but mean takes a lot of patience to deal with peacefully, especially when a child does not see the error in her ways or take responsibility.
But yelling isn’t the answer.
And starting a yelling habit that continues isn’t the answer either.
Why, though?
My girl and I have been around and around on just about every topic. She is a smart, witty child who really doesn’t tolerate much. I really love that about her — while also pulling my hair out most days.
Instead of yelling, though, I have found that what works best is patience and love.
I just have to remember that when a tough moment pops up.
In the heat of the moment, you want to act. You want to solve the problem right NOW. If you wait, it will be too late, right? That feeling of urgency, though, is when you’re most likely to yell at your children.
But that sense of urgency is actually sending us into a vicious cycle of more yelling and not actually solving the problem.
The very last thing we should be doing is rushing to make a point.
When we remain calm, rational and peaceful, we are more consistent and effective, which is what our children need more than anything.
So by waiting to respond and by taking a great big peaceful pause we are actually showing our children what it means to think first before acting (or speaking).
So, out of frustration with not knowing how to better handle these difficult conversations with my daughter, I came up with a list of questions to ask myself BEFORE I act on any situation or respond in any heated moment. What happened, I learned quickly, is that my non-reaction diffused the situation almost immediately compared to my quick on-it-like-lightning approach. Turns out, time and space to a big problem makes it a little problem.
Who knew?
I’m sharing the questions I ask myself with you.
These questions can help you take a time out to think before you yell at your children just to make a very loud point that you’re upset with their actions.
Recite these questions in you head right there in the moment — before you yell at your children. These questions might help you be that peaceful family you want to be. Get your pen and paper ready.
5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Yell At Your Children:
What is most important right now?
This question is by far my go-to question for just about everything but in a challenging moment with kids it almost always grounds me and centers me to make a more rational decision. Ask yourself what your family needs most right now.
Is this really a big deal?
Ouch. This question hurts, right? Because when we stop to really think about some of the infractions that happen in the grande scheme of life … they really are pretty small and inconsequential. This question helps put it all into perspective. Usually, the act itself is not at all the big deal but the fear we hold about it is definitely a big deal — and also totally fabricated in our minds. Ask yourself if this will matter in a week or a month.
Can they work this out on their own?
So often the conflicts in a home are around the dynamics between two or more children who are mid-squabble. At our house there are about 3.5 arguments a day. Asking this question before jumping to conclusions has helped leave the mom referee hat off for a while. Even if it’s not a sibling fight, a child is often more capable of working out their own conflicts on their own, with love and patience rather than being forced. Ask yourself how your role would benefit the situation, if at all.
What do I want my child to do differently?
As soon as I started stressing the positive actions I wanted my daughter to demonstrate, she responded with more interest than she had to any punishment. Turns out, she just needed to know what was the right thing to do. It can be confusing to be a child with so many rules and expectations. Sometimes we just have to say what we need to happen differently and wait for them to do it. Ask yourself what actions do I want my child to take to avoid this in the future.
How can I make this situation right?
I write so much about choosing kindness because I have witnessed so much unkind parenting in my life. And this question really takes you to the heart of the matter. When we put ourselves in our child’s position — no matter their age — we step into life as they see it. That’s when we begin the problem-solving role of healer and nurturer rather than the commander-in-chief. Ask yourself what can I do to bring a peaceful resolution to this problem.
Discuss: Have you ever thought about asking yourself questions before yelling? What questions would you add to this list?
Thank you. I need to put these on my fridge and a around my house. I hate my son’s anger, his tantrums, his yelling, the list is endless, but it comes from my anger and yelling.
Actually, Tanya — it doesn’t necessarily come from you. It is likely his personality — mixed with your personality. Don’t take all the blame. Spirited meets spirited and it’s bound to happen. Best to focus on the questions, and try to show him another way to use his passion. 🙂
This is actually something I have been struggling with. I have been working on it though and one of the biggest things I ask myself is “Is it hurting anybody?” I have 2 boys ages 5 and 2 and watch a 3rd who is almost 2. There are multiple instances during a day where I am watching for accidents or aggressive behaviors (not intentional). When the boys are playing or doing something rough and I want to step in, I always ask myself this. Or if they are doing something that I don’t necessarily want them to do such as building a fort out of every single blanket we own rather than cleaning up like I asked, I have to ask myself that question rather than get irritated and start yelling at them. It doesn’t always work, but when I stop to think I save myself a lot of frustration and my kids have more fun.
These are excellent questions! I want to keep them in mind going forward!
Thanks, Julie! If we can just keep them in mind all the time, right?
This is great, and very timely for me. I’ve been having some tough moments with my daughter, and I’ve been resorting to yelling and anger, even though its something I’ve worked so hard to stop doing… This is a great reminder, I may print this out as well! Thanks!
I think strong moms and strong daughters really have such a powerful connection we almost don’t realize it. Keep at it! My daughter and I had a great morning today. Yes to that! 🙂
This is so helpful. My daughter and I never get through a day without some sort of yelling match. Neither of us want that, but neither of us can seem to find another way. I know it’s my responsibility to teach another way, but it is SO hard in the moment. However, it seems to be creating a rift in our relationship (which is the last thing I want!), so I will take all the suggestions I can get. Thanks so much for sharing.
Good luck. Anything helps, right?
Excellent food for thought. I have been working very hard on not yelling butI find myself struggling to control my temper in the car in particular, my little girl hates being strapped into her car seat although she has no choice and for the first part of every journey she screams and screams and screams about it being too tight regardless of whether it is or not! I am so concerned with driving my children safely that this really stresses me and often want to and sometimes do yell at her to stop so that I can drive without distraction. I need to work on ignoring this and not reacting by yelling at her, it doesn’t work anyway, and really upsets my son who is very sensitive to loud noises! Thank you for these great reminders.
I am a yeller. Initially, it makes me feel better, but I can see the negative effect it has on my family and me as well. I agree with the others and will print it out. Instead of posting it on the fridge, I’ll put it on the back of my medicine cabinet door so I can read it while brushing my teeth.
Great idea to keep it where you can read it all the time. I keep it in the kitchen as that is ALWAYS where our issues begin.
Great questions during those desperate moments when you look at the way your child is acting and you panic…you think, “I’ve ruined her already. How can she be acting this way? It’s just like me! I’ve failed as a parent. I can’t let her go on with this behavior/attitude!” and you want so desperately to make them see RIGHT THEN all the knowledge that took us a lifetime to gain. I hate so much that I yell and pray every day for God to help and heal me. Thank you for your blog and your encouragement.
April … you are a great Mama! You say this so well.
What a wonderful, much needed conversation! It is so hard to keep emotions in check when we get so worried about our kids. I really liked the part about modeling how to manage intense emotions in front of our children—this little nugget will help me remember to (try to) do just that.
This article had made a shift in the way I will approach a “yelling” situation. Just by thinking how such a bad example that is to my children, and how that may affect their lives in the future, will make me more conscious about approaching these situations into one of pure love and affection. Thank you so much for sharing this information.
Yes, this makes me so happy. Thank YOU for sharing this good news.
Another question I like to think about is: Am I reacting to what is actually happening? Sometimes events that anger us have triggered a reaction in us from something else that isn’t actually at the heart of what our children may be doing.
Sometimes what we see as mean, is simply honesty. Appropriate places and times can be taught but being honest and not people pleasing is just as important.
Great addition here, definitely!
Thank you for this.. I’ve actually read many resources and when the situation strikes I forget all the advice I’ve read 🙁 I’ve struggled with this and today after all my moments if patience it happened again where I knew my daughter couldn’t communicate but the crying drove me crazy I felt fearfulthat I couldn’t find that quick solution.. I feel horrible after and shitty.. I’ll take the advice to post the questions on the fridge read it everyday
Yes, most pieces of advice leave you feeling more overwhelmed in the moment because every moment is so different and unpredictable. You are doing your best, Mama! Keep at it.