Here’s a really familiar story.
Last week, a dear mom with the best intentions sent me an email.
She was tired. So tired.
And, overwhelmed.
She needed a B-R-E-A-K. She needs a vacation, she said.
Just one week away.
I could feel the desperation in her voice through the email.
I know because I’ve been there — many times. I created my own survival skills while I was an exhausted and tired working mom and I’ve been coaching women on those skills ever since.
Long hours alone with children can wreak havoc on our minds, our bodies and our souls.
We start to grow bitter and angry. This leads to lashing out. Yelling.
In my coaching work, I call this the Land of Bitter and Sour and it affects so many women.
Do you relate to that phrase? I talk a lot about this place that so many women find themselves in as they are busy raising little children and feeling stuck and lost and filled with doubt of the life they’ve chosen, whether they work and wish they didn’t or don’t and wish they did. Or whether they just feel like they have to put everything on hold that makes them feel happy.
What is the Land of Bitter and Sour?
It looks a lot like this:
- Waking up late and filled with dread.
- Walking around angry.
- Yelling and snapping a lot.
- Feeling resentful of what other people have and do.
- Extremely tired and lacking motivation.
- Dreaming of quitting it all.
- Feeling hard and inflexible about everything.
- Saying no to almost everything.
So this particular mama asked me what advice I can give her since she just really needs that desperate break she’s longing for in her life.
I cannot give her any flight tickets or keys to a room of her own. I cannot give her a fast car to escape in no more than I can give that to myself.
But what I can tell her is this:
- You’re tired because you’re so busy trying to create the perfect life … that you forgot you already have one.
- You will get that break you need as soon as you start releasing some of those high expectations you have on what happiness really means.
- You’re tired because you’re filling up your calendar with activities, to-dos that are really based on a life you want to have rather than the one you already have right now.
- You’re tired because you’re consumed by the fear of imperfection — both your child’s and your own — and it’s keeping you captive.
- You’re tired because you’re numbing out on social media instead of turning inward and asking yourself what you really need right now.
Being in the Land of Bitter and Sour is normal in various seasons of our lives. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad for it. Just own it and move through it.
The great thing is that it’s never too late to stop all this perfection-chasing.
You are in control of your life and your JOY.
You hold all the secrets within you to release all of those shoulds and coulds that consume your everyday.
You have the power to mother yourself the way you need to be mothered. You have joy inside of you and you can unearth it and claim it and expand it.
The joys of motherhood do far outweigh the sorrows. It’s easy to forget that when you get stuck in the Land of Bitter and Sour, though.
Discuss: Have you ever been in the Land of Bitter and Sour? What did you do to bring yourself out of it?
:). So much truth here.
Oh my gosh, been there 🙁 Became a vicious cycle of grumpy me, kids acting up for attention and grumpy husband. Using a sticker and reward chart for the kids to remind me to boost their self esteem with praise and compliments not negativity and “or else’s”.
Love building them up! Thanks for sharing that.
Wow – this is so me, including the “numbing out on Social Media” I can’t stop looking at it to avoid everything I have to do at the moment.
I think the opportunity to catch yourself in these moments is just a sign that you are waking up … and that’s when the abundance starts to expand.
I cancelled my social media accounts the week I turned 40. I have been working on accepting things are the way they are right now. I don’t expect or want perfection I just want some , do nothing but enjoy each other times’ in the evenings. We all sat down and decided to take a two month break from sports. I work full time, my husband does as well as going to school (I am also doing o line classes). He has classes each night 5 to 10. And then works 2 hours away from Friday through Sunday. We have 3 young boys 11, 9, 7 and every evening is the same run around. Dinner, homework, some light chores basically to clean up after ourselves then getting ready for bed. No matter what I do, how I do or say it, rewards or consequences, early bedtimes and even ignoring it all and just stopping to play. No matter what the boys always stall, procratinate, bicker, play instead of doing what their asked, you name it. Everyday we try again, I talk with them, explain things, try to involve them in trouble shooting, lay out a plan for the evening with the goal that we will get done and have some time together. Tonight I sat them down and explained that I knew they could do it, I knew they knew right from wrong, I knew they knew what to do and when. And I trusted them so much I was going to prove it and prove we could get it all done without nagging, reminders or yelling. I took a piece of tape and put it across my lips. They looked at me like I was crazy and when they realized I was serious they got down to business, doing chores and homework and trying to keep each other and themselves on track. I winked approval, gave thumbs up, high fives. I was impressed and proud of them. But it didn’t last, within an hour they were back to crazy playing, running and screaming. So we ate dinner, I asked them to get ready for bed so we could read together or play a board game and as usual the rough housing commensed. So they went to bed early and here I am.
I know my circumstances are what they are right now but I am tired of being tired and angry and annoyed. I want to be with them and enjoy them not wish for the night to end. They are growing quickly and it feels like they are slipping away. I realize I can’t expect them to want the warm fuzzy endings to our evenings like I do enough to work for it but man I am worn out with these crazy, uncontrollable evenings.
My expectations are not high, I am present and not distracted by other things, I have cleared our schedule down to nothing but school, work and church. What else do I do?
I think that part of your story is just children. The more we push them to be a certain way, the more they push back. I have found that in those moments it’s best to just practice the art of letting go. We do a lot of that in the Abundant Mama program. We have to learn to trust that they will eventually grasp these concepts. In the meantime, taking care of you in those moments can be very helpful.
Mad love for your BLOG !!!! ❤❤