The tea pot was whistling. The children were arguing, loudly, about who gets to do something first. Breakfast was in the works. The stereo was blasting with my husband’s favorite music.
And bad news was delivered by text.
These are not ideal conditions for a highly sensitive mom who is easily overwhelmed.
When multiple things happen at once in our environment it’s easy to feel inundated with demands, noise, worries and fears and expectations of self and others.
For me, for years, I just went into the state of overwhelm and shutting down in my head and resorting to feeling bitter and sour.
Then one day I realized that my parenting skills were completely off every single time the noise and overwhelm triggered my highly sensitive nature.
Instead of taking care of myself and reacting calmly to my surroundings, I wanted to change my environment — a normal coping skill in the real world, in fact. For me, this meant leaving jobs. Cutting off friendships.
And then, in parenting, trying to control my children’s behavior and emotions in an unrealistic way — only to have that backfire with worse behavior and worse defiance.
When our sensory system is thrown off, it’s hard to make calm, rational and intentional decisions.
We’re too busy fighting off the stuff that hurts, that doesn’t feel good and that really makes us angry and upset. All of this gets in the way of the things we want to do more of: showing empathy, being kind and loving and empowering our children to do their best.
But all we hear are the loud screams and want to cover our ears or crawl under the covers.
When my daughter screams her loud, piercing scream out of excitement, my first instinct is to shush her or make her leave the room or to do something else entirely.
But, what she needs from me is to take care of my own sensory needs in those moments and be OK with the screams.
This does not mean we don’t often tell her to keep it down, use her inside voice and to not scream like someone’s chasing her with a chainsaw when she’s just having fun. We do.
It just means that in order to guide her effectively in how to keep her screams to a minimum, I have to be on top of my game.
I have to take on all of the Abundant Mama tools that keep my Highly Sensitive Mom sensitivities in check.
In other words, I have to take care of ME before I can effectively parent my children. Screams or no screams. Sibling bickering or not.
The first step is communicating
As soon as I realized my state of overwhelm was normal (thank you!) I learned to communicate my needs more clearly to those around me. A simple “I’m feeling overwhelmed” statement is often all our loved ones need to hear to back off their own noise and questions and information.
We forget the most basic tools sometimes — like just talking — can be more effective than any formal parenting technique. We think that sharing about our issues makes us seem weird or strange or imperfect, but admitting our sensitivities can be truly helpful to everyone. Not to mention a relief.
Of course, it doesn’t mean that you can always expect that people around you will change what they are doing. They very well may not. Just like at work when the person in the cubical next to yours crunches on hard pretzels for snacks or talks really loudly on the phone. Some things just cannot be helped.
Time to Break Out Your Sensory Tools
Once I realized my stress was more about my own sensitive nature I realized there were many self-care tools I could use at home to help me care for myself better — and also parent more intentionally and mindfully — a whole new world opened up to me in terms of trusting and letting go.
Seeking out peaceful ways to deal with my overwhelm made finding the beauty in my days easier and more delightful.
I quickly learned that when I stopped to listen to my own inner mother I overcame my highly sensitive moment more quickly because I knew exactly what I needed to do.
And, by the time I figure all of this out, the moment of overwhelm is often far over.
I have tons of tools that I use on a daily basis to deal with my own highly sensitive nature and I teach many of them in the Abundant Mama Project Online Program.
Still, there are a few common sense things I do that aren’t in the program — things I do on a daily basis to keep myself from taking things too far in my head.
GET FRESH AIR
Stepping outside is the ultimate calming experience for any highly sensitive person. But the key here is to make sure you are dressed for the elements and go outside with the intention of feeling, smelling, tasting and listening to the sounds of the world around you. This moment of mindfulness is often enough to snap us back into a place of calm and ease. A short — or long — walk is often just what I need, even if it’s just around the house, literally.
EAT OR DRINK WARMING FOODS
The feeling of warmth going down the throat and entering the body is about the most calming experience we can have in our days filled with chaos. Often, sometimes our brains feel overwhelmed with too much information, too many details and not enough ways to release what needs to be done. That’s when we can simply make a cup of hot tea or warm up some hot soup. The sensation of warmth filling up the body is so very soothing.
STAND IN THE SUNSHINE
Again, warmth and fresh air are somewhat combined here for a warming, soothing effect. For me, I just need to stand for a few minutes in my kitchen, which has a very sunny space thanks to the large patio doors. I stand in the sunshine until my skin feels warm on my face, hands and feet. This feeling of light filling the body with good energy is a great way to forget what just happened a few minutes ago.
MAKE SOMETHING
Doing something with my hands — and getting out of my head — is always the next best option. This is when we can get out our glue, tape and other creative supplies and just make something. A new chore chart. A quiet sign. A Highly Sensitive Mama At Work doodle page. As long as your mind is focused on doing and being in the moment, it can’t be focused on what happened in the past.
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This post is the fourth in an occasional series on Highly Sensitive Moms. You can find out if you are a highly sensitive mom here. You can also read 10 soothing tips for highly sensitive moms here and Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive Moms. For more direct help with your highly sensitive nature, sign up for the Abundant Mama program.
What helps you cope with your highly sensitive nature?
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Man I really am a HSM. You’re describing me in every one of these posts!
I’m so glad I’m not alone. I never knew I was a sensitive person til I had kids. All the noise, sensations, emotions were overloaded once our kiddos got older. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what “this” was until one day-by Divine Intervention” the words sensory overload & highly sensitive popped in my head.
I now know my triggers. I can verbalize it to my hubby & he can help me through it. But our 5 & 2 year old don’t understand. I have to tell them at times, “mommy needs quiet for a little bit”. They usually help.
But I’m still learning & figuring this out.
Thank you, thank you!!!
Kids aren’t hard-wired to listen to our problems. 🙂 That’s why it’s our job to walk away, etc. Glad you are able to communicate!
Great post. I am definitely an HS mom, but was also sensitive long before I was a mother. I discovered a lot of the symptoms through learning about my own children’s sensory processing issues coupled with their autism. It has been very challenging to keep calm while dealing with one sensitive child, myself, and my youngest who is the opposite. My youngest loves loud, and busy, and crowded, and more of everything. My older son and I are both quite sound sensitive, so this is a struggle every day. And like you, I spent years being bitter and disgruntled before realizing what my own sensitivities were doing to my coping skills, both as a mother, and as a human in this crazy world we are in. Thanks so much for putting this out to the world. Sensitive is not strange, but does need, well, a SENSITIVE approach too, eh?
HOW we take care of ourselves really matters … yes, you are right on here. I do think that it’s easy to think well, I just need to be tougher, but that’s not easy because our nervous system just doesn’t listen. Both of my kids are sensitive as well. It’s a family thing! 🙂
I am a highly sensitive person about to become a mother and I’m super scared. Sudden noises temporarily anger me, and then just irritate me. People who talk a lot about nothing in particular tend to get under my skin. Small talk is the worst. Smells that are far too powerful (too much perfume or someone who hasn’t showered lately) stress me out. People who call me more than once in a day get on my nerves because I feel like I HAVE to answer, or they’ll think I’m a terrible person who never answers her phone. It’s part of the whole introversion thing where it feels like they’re popping out of nowhere and yelling hello in my face. I often leave my phone places and feel glad I did.
Primarily, the noise factor is what scares me about parenting. I really appreciate this post because it relieves me that I’m not the only one out there who struggles with sensory overload. I’m going to keep these things forefront in my brain so that i can remember to remove myself and deal with my heart first, before I try dealing with anyone else.
The noise factor is such an issue … but I have found that the more I take care of ME,the better I am able to cope. And then some days are just going to be louder and harder, you know?! That’s how we know we have some work to do.
I use ear plugs in the house when I am feeling overwhelmed with the noise. I just get the cheap foam ones- they muffle without silencing. I have been using then since my son was a colicky infant. when he would cry for hours, i just held him and rocked him with the tv on silent and the closed captioning on. It allowed me to keep my sanity and tend to his needs.
One thing that helps me deal with all the noise of children (I have four, soon to be five) is that every day after lunch is mandatory quiet time. Older kids have books. Younger kids nap. I get peace. So even if the day is starting off all kinds of crazy, I have that beacon of the coming quiet time to push me through.